Man am I ever really feeling the season of Advent. Maybe it’s something in my water, but I have been feeling the disease and lack of comfort that comes with waiting earnestly– for a future, for answers, for certainty, for God to direct me in the right place. And I will say, that I am getting the sense that sometimes it feels less than restful to be fully in the liturgical season. Usually, I feel expectant in a hopeful way right about now, for it is time for a break and a rest from school and for time with my family. I get excited about classes for the following semester, for everything that I could and can be doing in the following summer.
This time, however, is different. I feel like I am anticipating graduation physically right now, subconsciously getting prepared for the reality that my life is about to change drastically, and it is disconcerting. I have been a full-time student for almost my whole life, never taking a year off to do anything different, never taking a break, never trying something new. And now, finally, all of that education has built itself up into an end… no more degrees to pursue, so now I have to try my hand at this other part of reality, move into a new phase of life that doesn’t revolve around academics but instead is focused on the lived experience and practice of the theoretical that I spent so long thinking about.
Not knowing what to expect is running my mind for a loop or two. For now, however, I can do little else but wait for what will come, and trust that God will be acting in it. Let’s just hope that I can sort some of this out soon.