Reflections and retrospections

It’s my day off, and not a moment too soon.  This summer has been amazing, but also incredibly frustrating, sometimes ridiculously unbearable, and I am still trying to sort out how to make sense out of my experiences.  I have found myself in a community that is doing things that I care deeply about and doing them with courage and faith and grace even when it is difficult, but I have also experienced a sense of being on the wrong side of things– not ideologically, but more like programmatically.  As someone on the Youth Initiative staff, I have often felt that I am in BSM but not of BSM, almost a second-class staff citizen and intern in the community.  Our staff doesn’t go to staff meetings, doesn’t do supervision with Bill, doesn’t interface much with anyone that isn’t Erika or the youth themselves.  And yes, I understand that we came here to do youth stuff, but it also feels pretty cruddy to feel more like volunteers than members of this community.  

Personally, I have dealt with that feeling by finding ways to be more a part of the staff community–going to supervision on my own, attending staff meetings whenever possible, volunteering to participate in things outside the youth sphere–but this whole thing truly is a two way street (to be as cliche as possible).  I can do that all I want, but I still feel sometimes that certain staff look at me differently, or choose not to engage me on things.  It’s hard, and I hate it sometimes, but I don’t know what else to do except keep trying.  I have less than two weeks left, but I want them to count.

SPeaking of two weeks left, I also have two weeks until Ords, and I haven’t exactly studied much…. whoops.  I am trying to sneak in some quality time with my book of order today, but I have a sneaky suspicion that I might be cramming a bit after the kids leave next week.

Pray for me!

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2 thoughts on “Reflections and retrospections

  1. Good luck with your own version of Summer’s Best Two Weeks 😉

    Good luck with the ords too. For me the BoO and Hughes Oliphant Old’s book on Worship were pivotal. E. David Willis has a good book on the Confessions as well but I think it’s out of print. All good cramming books for me! Also, be sure to have a good pastoral response to an unfair situation for which you have to write a response to human suffering. Say, a mother questions why God would let her son get killed by a drunk driver and she is now blaming God. I drew on Simone Weil’s understanding of affliction for that one. Not popular for the reviewer, but I got my 3. I wanted to say as a footnote – basically all truly “Reformed” theologies of Human Suffering are rubbish and unhelpful to someone’s experience the depths of loss, but I figured that would not go over well since it’s not a debate 🙂

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