This morning is my last sermon at Clarendon Hill, and it feels weird. It feels weird to realize that the year is almost over, that my middle year at seminary is drawing to a close, and that I feel less prepared for ministry than ever. This year has taught me so much, but especially has taught me that ministry is a fraking mess most of the time, and that most people have NO CLUE what they are doing, and that I have NO CLUE what I am doing, but that people still look at me like I do because I am the “seminarian.” Ha, if only they knew.
If only they knew that there are less than 2 weeks between me and the last due date for my finals, and that I am freakin’ out a bit because I don’t know if I can get-er-done.. Granted, I only have to write 40-ish pages, and granted that is not nearly as bad as some of my friends, but it still feels like a lot to knock off before next Thursday. And you could ask me why I am not working on it now, but the truth is this– I don’t know what to say.
I have been wrestling with some serious mental roadblocks lately, mostly because I realize that there is so much I could be saying and so much I want to think about, but I feel as though I don’t have enough information to do it. I feel like I should read more, but the more I read the less confident I feel about what I want to say. I am seriously all over the place. And as I have come to recognize, this is not a good sign.
So prayers would be nice this week. Prayers would be good. Prayers for sanity and for inspiration. Hopefully, that and a little coffee will get me through the insanity that is finals, so that I can take a quick breath and start all over again.
Deeper in me than I 
Sarah, I think its good if seminary teaches you that you don’t know jack about ministry. The best thing that ever happened to me as a pastor happened on my first day in my first job when I realized that I knew lots of stuff about the Bible and about theology, but that I didn’t know diddley about being a pastor. So I decided to let the people of my congregation teach me. Which they did, and it made the relationship work, because they knew I was green. If I had gone into my first job faking some kind of competence they would have rejected me for the phony I would have been. You’ll do fine. Get your book knowledge at Harvard, Learn about ministry on the job. The church folk will teach you about ministry.
thanks so much ben. I totally get that, and every time i freak out a bit i remember (and am relieved by) your comment that “I felt confident about ministry until I started doing it” (or some variation on that theme.
Thanks again, though 🙂