Holy Cannoli! It’s been a while since I bared my soul on this thing, or reflected or ruminated or whatever it is that one does on a webblog.
So lets see… what’s on my mind these days? Well, for starters I have been deeply disturbed by the idea of what it means to BE Christian. And by disturbed I mean the good kind of messed up in your soul disturbed that gets you moving in a new and fresh direction, the sort of disturbed that makes people seriously consider the ways in which their choices and decisions impact the world around them, the sort of disturbed that motivates one to act radically different. I think I have been moving in the direction of being deeply disturbed by God for a while now, but a number of factors sort of stirred that up, sped up the process a bit.
For starters, I read a book. I know that sounds trite, but I have been doing a bit of reading lately, and I recently finished an interesting book that talks about the radical path of Jesus and it has stuck with me, burrowing deep into some part of me and not letting me go. I have mixed feelings about it, because I totally agree that Jesus is radical but I am not sure if I have what it takes to follow that path in the way I am feeling called to. But on the other hand, are we ever really ready? And if we all waited until we were ready for everything, what would get done? I recognize that my uneasiness about this whole deal has a whole lot more to do with my reluctance to part with what was easy and customary–I know that what I feel is right is hard, and I my feelings of inadequacy are a stalling mechanism.
Anyways…. the point is that I feel something rising up in me, and it is scary, but I feel in my heart that it is of God and for God. How could something borne of love for others be anything else?
Other things that have been going on– I think (*think*) I might be falling for somebody special. Whenever I think about it too much my stomach gets all tied up in knots, and I almost feel like I am going to be ill over it. I know that doesn’t sound like a ringing endorsement for love, but I think that it is just that there is so much inside me that I don’t know where to start. He is such an amazing person, and I want to see where this particular path leads, but he gives me butterflies and stomach aches, and from my perspective that says something about the man. There’s also a lot of my life that I would love to open up to him about, fears and insecurities that have followed me for years, but I don’t know how to start. There’s one thing in particular, actually. It’s hard, and I don’t know how to say it, mostly because I don’t know myself what to do about it, or at least I feel as though I am helpless when I think about it, but I don’t know how to move forward with it. If he knew what it was, I think he might understand some things about me better, but that doesn’t make it easier. I thought about writing it to him in a letter, but I know that is sort of a cheap way out.,.. anyways we shall see about that.
So by the way, I had a funny joke the other day….. I was talking to matt and we were discussing families and I came up with the following analogy:
“Familes are like toilets. Sometimes they stink, but we all need’em, and it sucks to live without’em.”